What about ONE did I not understand?

08Jul09

Did you know that when you decide to make the transition from two naps to one that it means your kids only take ONE nap per day?

All you “Hangover” fans are calling me a ruh-tard right about now and I can’t blame you! It doesn’t get more obvious than that, but today on our first day of the new 1 nap lifestyle, it only occurred to me after they woke up that this was it. No more putting them down today. While I’m excited about this new phase, let me tell you, it was a crushing blow.

I love my kids like crazy, but I love ‘em even more when they’re asleep. Don’t judge. You know you feel the same way.

You might be asking, “Why do it, then?” Why cut out the other nap? Well, I’m traveling back East with Butts next week to visit my cousin and her brand new twin boys. While I’m with them, Butts will be hanging mostly with my dad who is not exactly respectful of silly things like naps and schedules and the like. Then the day we get back another cousin arrives with her brood and we’ll be activitying it up all over the Bay Area. Two naps would be such a pain, and I’m sure there would be a lot of days where naps get skipped. Seems easier to try to train them into 1 now. I hope I’m right!

And if you care about these things, today’s inaugural run went just fine. We went to the park around 8:30, which is their usual morning naptime, and hung out for a seemingly eternal 90 minutes. I sprinted home in the BOB at 10, purposefully hitting every bump I could find in the sidewalk, because it seemed like they were going to pass out during the 5-block walk. We made it with all four eyeballs open and I had them down by 10:15. Sass woke up just before noon and Butts made it to 12:50! It was way more than I could have hoped for and I’m sure that now that I’ve talked them up, tomorrow will be pure hell.

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Bratty Behavior

26Jun09

Betcha thought this was going to be about those babies of mine, didn’t ya?

Yeah, well…fine, it’s me. I’m the brat.

You see, I like to pretend that material things don’t really matter to me. Do I buy a lot of my clothes at Target? Yup. Do I need a fancy car? No. Do I use paper towels for napkins most nights? Uh huh. Am I fine with my traditional cell phone? Well, as it turns out, no.

I’ve been saying forever “Oh yeah, those iPhones are cool, but do I really care? No. As long as my phone makes calls and texts, I’m good.” But lately I’ve been drawn more and more to the now practically ubiquitous gadget. And part of my desire even stems from something (somewhat) worthy! I have this new blog idea, but I need to be able to take photos and notes “in the field.” My good ole’ Nokia takes ok pics, but no way am I going to take notes on it. (Yes, I am aware of the old fashioned paper and pen option, and I even brought a notebook out with me for a while, but it just ain’t happenin’.)

Plus there’s the obvious fun factor of the iPhone. I recently went on a trip to Las Vegas and was the only sad sack in our group who couldn’t update her FB page and check in to her flight from her phone. I nearly got bumped off my flight home because I didn’t check in until I got to the airport!

Hubs is (like all software geeks out there) thinking about developing some apps for the iPhone, and may have some work projects related to it, too, so his company just bought him one.

Hallelujah of hallelujahs, we decided I should get one too. Now, since part of that non-material needs business is true, I am perfectly ok with getting the “old” 3g version.

So, I pack up the runts and saunter down to the phriendly phone store. Where I find out that I don’t have an upgrade available until next May and the base iPhone would cost $500 rather than the $99 you see advertised everywhere. $500!!! Yeah, no. Even I realized that that is obscene.

Until…Hubs got home with his. I can’t even look at it! Of course since work paid, he got the top of the line model. He keeps trying to point out cool features and I cannot take it! I told him it’s going to be a while before I can discuss it like an adult. Like, a LONG while. Like, until I get one of my own.

How pathetic am I? Mr. Gadget is so excited about it, and I can’t even indulge him in talking about it. LAME.

I keep giving my phone to my kids in the hope that they’ll smash it to bits. Sadly it’s turning out to be indestructible. It doesn’t work for shit, turns off in the middle of calls, texts, etc., but they just can’t seem to really break it. Weaklings.

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Twist and Pout

18Jun09

UPDATED TO ADD: DUH!  I forgot to mention that my debut post at How Do You Do It went up today! Stop on by!

************

Question. When did it become normal for nail salons to administer manis and pedis simultaneously?

I rarely get a manicure (See already effed up right thumb a mere 71 minutes post-mani for explanation.) but I love me a good pedicure. I sit back, let the harmony of the vibrating chair and the soft buzz of Vietnamese gossip lull me into a near coma while I leaf through trashy mags. It’s heaven, right?

Well, add in a mani these days and you can kiss that visual goodbye. I’m going to Las Vegas tomorrow and figured that since I’m a giant heifer with a craptastic wardrobe, I ought to at least have decent looking hands.

So I ask for a French mani (because I want to be classy like NotGelina). All of a sudden my bliss is over. Kaput. I am twisted in my chair with both hands on one side, magazines left un-leafable. All for something that will be ruined before I even clap eyes on a poolside margarita.

I totally get it for people with, you know, LIVES? Like people who have somewhere to be? Or people who don’t rely on pedicures for their only alone time. I wanted this appointment to last a few hours. I did not feel the need for speed. And I really think that the worst part is the uncomfortable position. The twist gets to be a bit much, no?

Should I have just spoken up and said I wanted them done separately? Yeah, I suppose. But I get a mad case of beauty salon mute mouth. You know where the stylist is styling your hair in some crazy non-fashionable fashion and you’re thinking, “Oh god, what the hell? I hope he won’t be too upset if I put this in a ponytail before I go outside.” But do I say anything? No. Or worse, when he asks what I think? “Oh great!” Loser.

But seriously, am I the only person who is bothered by this mani/pedi situation? I’ve gotta know.

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Big Favor: Vote for me?

31May09

I’m in a contest to become a new contributor to How Do You Do It, a super-helpful blog for Multiples Moms. I’m not entirely sure how the vote is going to work. They’ve got a couple bloggers posting each day on their site w/ a poll at the end that includes that day’s writers. It goes for a week, so I may remind you again later this week.

My post is the middle one, and is a re-tread of the Babyprison post I wrote a couple of months ago.

Here’s a link to where you vote! Thanks in advance!

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One

23May09

As I sit here waiting desperately for the Laker-Nugget game to end I pretend to wish it would end favorably for the Lakers. But really I am leaning toward Denver, since at this point a Laker win would involve OT.)

Ahh… it’s over.  Sorry honey.  I know you were hoping for the Lakers to pull it out, but maybe next time.  You know, when So You Think You Can Dance ISN’T ON??  I need me some Mary Murphy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ok, apparently I really needed her!  It’s tomorrow!  It’s just that Mary is so captivating; I must have gotten sucked in.  And don’t forget her lecherous, homophobic sidekick.  Fine, I’m not one for same sex ballroom dancing, but wow.  He was super assy about it.  Also?  Supposedly-straight-half-of-that-duo?  Dude.  Maybe you can take the time you would have spent on SYTYCD for some quiet reflection on just who you are.  If you’re comfortable enough to a) dance rhumbas with a dude and b) wear that hideous electric blue sausage suit while doing so, you’re probably comfortable enough to just be honest with yourself.  Just sayin’

Alrighty, then!  This post had absolutely nothing to do with any of that the way I had it written in my head.  But that was last night, and now I don’t know what the hell I was hoping to say.  Hmm…  ok, the title is One.  U2 song?  Number of showers I get per week?  The way I keep spelling “won” lately because I am fucking braindead?

Those aren’t really ringing a bell.  One…one…1…. 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My kids are 1! (And 3 weeks!)  Oh yeah!  Jeez, for a supposed momblogger, you’d think that might have warranted a post.  A loving letter to the babies or to my husband or my fertility doctor or SOMETHING.  No.  Instead I passed most of the time eating cake and slugging down all the leftover beer from their party.  And I spent the other time writhing in pain from the weaning.  OH THE WEANING!

I had successfully dropped several nursing seshes with pretty much zero engorgement, and for the first 4 or 5 days after I dropped the last one (final session was the morning before their birthday) I was just fine.  But then my boobs swelled up to gargantuan proportions and became rocklike.  And so tender.  OUCHIE!  Of course this all went down right when the (not so) Littles decided that if their mom is too cheap to buy them a jungle gym, then she must mean for them to climb all over her.  CONSTANTLY.  I didn’t really mean that kids.  I’m just a miser.

BUT, thanks to the interwebs and their suggestion of Sudafed, I’m all fixed up.  And apparently a C-cup?  I have always had comically large boobs, but now that they’re out of service, they have taken a backseat to my ever emerging gut.  (See cake/beer consumption detailed above.)  This small boob thing is crazy!  I like it!  But it’s weird.  But I like it!  I think it’s going to do wonders for my golf game.

Speaking of which, Sass, mama’s girl that she is, gave me 4 golf lessons for Mother’s Day!  She knows me so well!  And Butts got me a beautiful silver bangle bracelet.  That one was kind of selfish, though, since he loves to play with it.  Men!

So, I should include some sort of kid-update, no?

Both runts are thisclose to walking.  They take steps between the Hubs and I – Sass took like 10 last night!  But they’re not really into just trying it out on their own.  Wusses.  Actually NOT wusses at all.  I wish!  They are climbing fanatics.  Look out Sir Edmund Hilary.  The poosome twosome are comin’ for your records.  You know how built in bookshelves are so charming?   You know what else about them?  They are fucking built-in which means they make fabulous ladders THAT I CANNOT REMOVE.  Ugh.  Not sure what we’ll do about that.

They also like to talk a lot.  And by talk I mean yell.  And shriek.  And holler.  Not much of it makes sense, but Butts says “That! (dat)” and “Dada” pretty damn reliably.  And Sass has gone with the 1-word vocabulary so far.  “Quack (kak)”  She is really good at answering “Sass, what does the duck say?” and whenever we show her a duck she says it.  She’s probably going to have to branch out eventually, but for now she is impossibly pleased with herself whenever she says it so I say let’s go with it.

Speaking of going with it, they did tremendously well with the switchover from nursing to cow’s milk.  These tiny people are unflappable, I tell you!  The morning of their birthday they woke up to a sippy cup of whole milk.  “No boob today?  And no bottle?  Um…you sure?  Well, ok then.  It is our birthday, though, couldn’t you have spiked it with a little somethin’?  Strawberry Quik, maybe?  No?  Whatevs, hand it over.”

I became frantic every time I entered the 1st birthday aisle at our local Party City.  So!Much!Ugly!Crap!  The only thing that held any appeal was the Sesame Street stuff, but for one thing, our friends had just hosted their kids’ party a la Elmo, and for another, my kids don’t know Oscar from a hole in the wall.  So we went “adult” with the theme.  NO, NO, not THAT adult!  The Cinco de Mayo party was my nod toward the Mexican vacation I wanted to take with the money we spent on the party.  Oh well, at least the kids will always have the party to rememb… wait, scratch that.  WHY did we do it, exactly?

Fine, fine…it was a blast.  And I’m so glad we did it.  My dad planned a trip out from Syracuse for the party and my brother surprised us from NYC!  What a fab uncle!  But seriously I could have done with a few days of sun, sand and tequila.

On the upside, we discovered that Sass is a true lady, and she’s got the cake eating skills to prove it.  At first she wasn’t sure if she wanted any.

Then, she dug in and ended up like this.

Not to be outdone, Matty enjoyed the crap out of his cake, too.  He didn’t even bother with the pre-cake tantrum.

“Can I eat it now?  How ’bout now?  NOW???”

And he got himself nice and messy, too.

All in all, the party and the year it celebrated were picture perfect.  I was driving somewhere the other day with my two big kids in their car seats, drinking sippy cups of milk and I got teary eyed.  I have two toddlers!  Who drink milk on-the-go!  As I say at every milestone, this is completely unfathomable to me, even though it is my reality.  My every day, every minute reality.  And I couldn’t imagine things any other way.

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Dorothy, can you help?

18Apr09

I need a brain.  Seriously.  I want to blog, I really do.  I enjoy the Blogosphere, and once I get to writing I really love it, but I just find it so hard to kick start myself.  For whatever sad reason, pouring over jezebel.com while watching The Today Show, seems to be all I can do.  Thanks be to god I haven’t been recruited by any armed forces.  ”Be all you can be” would really not pan out for them with this recruit.  

I’m actually considering talking to someone about this issue.  I know I’m not exactly being original here, but I really, truly think I might have ADD.  There is a lifetime of unfulfilled potential that back me up on this.  I promise.  So, whenever I can get my sorry ass in gear, I hope to look into it.  But for now, I’m going to try a new weekly post thingy…  Small Talk Six.  I’m a sucker for all those list thingies on FB, so I figure this shouldn’t be too hard.  Of course the first one is tough for me, since I’m not much of an animal lover.  Oh well, here goes!

6 animals (domestic, wild, or exotic) you think would be fun to own as pets

1. Dog.

2. Horse.  In a stable, far, far away from the house.

3. Um… this is getting tough.  Oh!  Fish.  As long as they come with someone to clean the tank.

4. Pet Rock.

5. Wow, um…can I count children?  That would be great, since I have two.  Then they could be 5 and 6.

So, yeah, I’ve got some animal issues.  I get freaked out in the gerbil aisle of Petco.  Which can be inconvenient because from time to time I like to use Petco as free entertainment for #5&6.  I go in all well-intentioned, and I will go down the Path de Rodents, chit chatting away about Mr. Hamst..” and then I gag and have to go look at the tiny dog outfits.  Because even though they are gross in their own way, they’re better than rats and gerbils and all that.  Last time we were there I threw up in my mouth a little bit in front of the ferret cage, and it was EMPTY.  

Don’t get me started on cats.

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Bad Mothering, MomSprung Style

08Apr09

So yesterday afternoon Butts was dragging his ass all over the place. Actually it was more like he was dragging his head. He’d be speed crawling somewhere and then a wave of ennui would wash over him and he’d just lay his big ole dome down on the floor for a quick rest. Then, a few seconds later, it was off to the races.

I didn’t think much of it since he was in good spirits and having fun between his floor-naps. Then after dinner we were in the playroom* and he didn’t want to do anything but cuddle with me. He was also burning up. Not sure how I didn’t notice that before, but since this is a post about bad mothering, we’ll just chalk it up to that, right? But it’s not even the worst part.

Despite the fact that I knew he was sick, I actually enjoyed the hell out of the half-hour we spent cuddling. Thankfully, Sass was just fine puttering around the room on her own. She’d come over occasionally to give us her weird puckerless, open mouth kisses, but then off she’d go. So I got to enjoy time just hugging on my big baby. It’s so wrong to enjoy your child’s illness, isn’t it? But I know if he hadn’t been illin’ he would have been tearing around the room with Sass. Usually following her so he could rip more hairs out of her head. Anyway, even that is not the worst of my parenting.

We don’t use the monitors any more since their room is right nearby and they don’t usually wake up anyway. But last night I figured we should listen in. So when I heard some cries, what did I do? I fucking turned it off. I do this a lot with the alarm clock, which is why it’s on Hubs’ side. But I didn’t think my need for sleep was so strong and my level of caring was so weak that I’d turn off my babies’ crying! I sort of remember this happening and I think I told myself that it was morning, anyway so I’d just rest while they ramp up and they’ll wake us up in a few.

So then he cried out again (which thankfully I heard sans monitor) and it was 4:47am. So, not really time to get up quite yet. God only knows what time it was the first time! I’m telling myself it was all one episode of crying that started at 4:30 at the very earliest. Anyone with me on that? Then he was quiet again and woke up for real at 5:45. Once again, quite warm, but in great spirits! Thankfully he’s not holding my ignoring ways against me. Isn’t that horrible, though? Why bother with the monitor at all, if I’m just gonna turn it off.

FYI – about the fever. It was 103 last night, 101 this morning and now just before his nap it was 100. I haven’t called our pedi because she told me only to be worried about fevers that are accompanied by fussiness. So, I’m probably being a bad mother on this, too, but as long as it keeps going down, I’m saving that $40 co-pay for his therapy sessions down the road.

*So, you may or may not recall my dilemma about the baby jail. Well, instead of buying the fence business, we turned our 3rd bedroom (aka dumping ground) into a playroom. It’s working out really well and I’ll post pictures…eventually. I still use it like a jail, sometimes I’ll leave them in there and run to the bathroom or the liquor cabinet or something, but it feels better leaving them in a “playroom” than a “playpen.” Semantics, I know, but it works for me!

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Now Hiring

03Apr09

In an effort to provide an economic stimulus to one lucky person, I am now hiring one highly specialized domestic staff person. Nanny? I wish. Housekeeper? Not specialized enough. What could it be, you ask?

Sippy Cup Washer Requirements – can-do attitude, plenty of elbow grease to spare, unquenchable thirst for scrubbing. Special consideration given to those with experience scouring tiny crevices.

I find something almost therapeutic about washing dishes. I really don’t mind doing it and I love the way an empty sink/countertop looks. But I fucking HATE washing sippy cups. I don’t know why. It’s pretty irrational, but, really, what about me is rational? My kids only drink water out of them, so the insides are pretty clean, but given their horrific table highchair manners, the outsides? Are ROUGH. They become so encrusted with the menu del dia that they become opaque and because of repeated droppings on the floor, the dog hair makes them nice and furry. And the little nozzle parts get clogged up and it’s just gross. So I tend to shove them to the side and not wash them, which is really dumb. Because they pile up and the kitchen that I’ve attempted to clean looks like shit because there are hairy plastic cups in a heap next to the sink.

Ok, the Today Sh0w is doing a story on raingear the anchors are sporting some of the gear. I guess that’s a sign that the recession has hit 30 Rock. Don’t they usually hire models for that? Of course Al, has the hugest most assholic umbrella. He would. I fucking hate umbrellas, especially giant golf ones. Oh god, now he’s wearing a beach ball on his head. WTF? Anyway, the little chickie doing the story just tried to insinuate that the rain boots Matt is wearing are “slick” enough that he could wear them in the office. What office would that be? One located in a creek? They are GALOSHES for fuck’s sake. Hello!

So, my Workout Wednesday posts are waning. I am just not good at regular postings, I guess. I’m doing ok with working out. Going to the gym somewhat regularly and walking a lot. And the combination of very busy babies and lack of grocery shopping means I don’t eat much. Lassie, I’ll try to do better, but who knows.

What else, what else… Oh. I’m weaning the rugrats. I’m down to just two nursing sessions a day, first thing in the morning and then after their am nap. I’ll cut that one out next, but it’s only been two days since I ditched the evening feed, so give me a couple days, would ya? I’d love to say it’s going well, but on night two, I had to leave for a meeting, so Bubs put them to bed and Sass tossed herself off the futon while she was having her bottle. Blood, hysterical call to me from Bubs, much crying, and then poor Bubs spent the rest of the evening alone and worried about her. It was just a little cut on her gums and she is totally fine today, but of course I know that if I’d just been nursing her she wouldn’t have fallen off! Oh well, I’m over it. (Wow, that was easy. What kind of person am I?!?) The reason I decided to give up the evening feed before the others is that I really want to go to the Turbo Kick class at the gym, but it’s at 6:30 which is exactly when they go to bed. Hopefully I can trust the husband to put them to bed on his own a couple nights a week without any further bloodshed!?

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Workout Wednesday

25Mar09

Yes, I forgot last week. I thought I’d make up for it on Thursday, but it didn’t happen. This is pretty indicative of my dedication to workouts in general lately! Crap. So, here’s the past week.

Thursday – Neighborhood walk. About 3 miles.

Friday – Same walk, different day.

Saturday – Does affixing decals to the wall count for anything? We made a playroom for the babes (pics to follow) and that was my big contribution aside from bossing the Mr. around.

Sunday – cheered mightily for the Syracuse Orange.

Monday – 3.5 mile speed walk. Well, at least the 2nd half was speedy b/c I was trying to get home before the Littles fell asleep. Also I went to a kick ass spin class. It kicked MY ass, anyway.

Tuesday – Hmm…it was only yesterday. You’d think I might remember. Maybe there’s nothing to remember…yeah, that’s probably it.

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From Safety Monitor to Prison Warden?

18Mar09

Ok, this is for real now.

Up ’til now I’ve been doing this twin thing with what I’ll admit is a sense of smug superiority.  I often found myself wondering just why all these people were wondering how I do it, and kept referring to my tiny pals as “double trouble.”  It just didn’t seem so bad!  And of course I always had the old, “Well, two babies is all I know!”

I happily rode the “I don’t know any better” train for a long time and let me tell you that train is off the fucking tracks.  These two kids move nonstop in opposite directions and they do it fast.  They have absolutely no fear and even less common sense.  They are addicted to brick, tile, sharp corners and although they hate to be cliche, electrical outlets.

My life as a twin mom has officially begun.

I’m not sure if I’m prepared for it, and I’m certain that my house isn’t.  There was a family with 1 year old twins in our old apartment complex and I used to sneer into their apartment in the evenings. (Don’t you love looking in people’s houses at night?)  Their living room was completely devoid of furniture and there was just a giant play yard.  I told just about everyone I know how ridiculous it seemed to me and of course told them how I’d NEVER do that, that the babies need to learn to explore and all kinds of other bullshit.  I’m sure you know where this is headed, right?

Well, we were vacationing at my mom’s house for 10 days – the same 10 days that brought on the keee-razy, busy babies, but we returned Sunday night and as Hubs put it on his way to work Monday morning, my vacation was WAY more over than his.  I cannot believe how fast they are.  And how little regard they have for potential head trauma.  Sassy’s new favorite place to pull up is the seat of the jumperoo.  You know the one that bounces and swings?  They also like bookshelves, potted plants, you name it.  The storage ottomans that I bought for just this purpose are “like so February, Mom!”

So yeah, I’ve been considering a babyprison.  I’ve made it for two days so far with both skulls intact, but that’s included a long drive to pick up the dog from the kennel, a lunch outing, a trip to the Discovery Museum, and countless walks.   And even with all those diversions I am exhausted by 6pm.  This safety monitor business is hard work!  I will continue to resist the fence as long as I can, but I totally see the benefit of it.  Sorry for all the sneers, former neighbors!!

So, other twin moms:  Did you use a play yard?  If so did it offer a bit of relief?  And if not, how did you approach the safety issue?  HELP!!!

Also – I love me a quirky singer, but what is with this Megan Joy person on Idol?  What am I missing?  Educate me.  Or better yet, agree with me!

PS – Workout Wednesday is coming tomorrow…

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