Am I a Fraud?

12Feb09

Am I still supposed to be pissed off about infertility? Maybe I’m not one to hold a grudge, but I think I’m kind of over it. Is that wrong? Does it mean I wasn’t suffering enough during those four years? Like, I didn’t want a baby enough? That can’t be it, can it?

But these days I don’t get mad when I read about people who adopt and then get pregnant a month later. I’m happy! I might roll my eyes a little, but I swear, I’m happy! And I barely cringed when my friend with the 18 month old baby called me all down in the dumps about not getting knocked up with #2 after a couple months. I acknowledge her pain, even!

So, what is up? It was four long years of pure hell. Aren’t I supposed to be damaged and bitter? I can’t change how I feel, but I admit I feel like an IF Fraud for getting over it like this.

I guess part of it is that I don’t really want infertility to define me. I so appreciate blogs like Mel’s which was such a huge help to me when I was in the trenches, but I just don’t know how she does it. How can she spend so much time reading about so much struggle and loss? She’s doing such a great service to the infertile community, but I know I couldn’t and wouldn’t devote anything close to the time, energy and heart that she does to the cause. Maybe I’m just a lazy bastard, but the truth is, I want that part of my past to stay in the past. I’m there to support, but I will have a hard time conjuring up the anger.

I wonder if I would I feel the same way if I’d had a singleton. Knowing that I might try again would really keep me “in the game” if you will. But I’m so happy with our family as it is right now, that it’s probably very easy for me to chuck my Infertility Cloak (sweet mother, did I just make a Harry P0tter reference?).

Don’t worry, though. I will never be an actual “Fertile.” Uh uh. I’m just a non-practicing infertile. Until some media type comes on tv talking about how many embryos that fool had “implanted.” Then my inner infertile will rear her ugly head, I promise.

Ok, on a much lighter note, I am watching Top Chef right now and it must be said that I fucking LOVE Fabio. I want him to be my friend (Italian lover). Every single thing he says is hilarious (sexy). I thought it was great when he said, “It’s Top Chef, not Top Scallop” but he just said, It’s Top Chef, not Top Pussy” about how he sucked it up with his broken finger. Even better! I know it’s mostly his accent, but he is one funny (hot) Italian.

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3 Responses to “Am I a Fraud?”

  1. No, you’re not a fraud. Or – well – if you are, than I hope to be someday as well.

    This community is amazing, and I’ve met some incredible people that I hope I would continue friendships with if/when I make it to the other side. But this has NOT been the happiest 5 years of my life, and the moment I’m able to close the emotional door on it, I fully intend to give it a good hard slam.

    I don’t think that detracts at all from what you gave to the community, or from what I may be giving. You’re in it when you’re in it, and there’s no law that says you have to stay in it when you’ve moved on.

  2. I love Fabio too! And Rhadika (sp?) has a restaurant in walking distance to me. Hopefully, I”ll be able to drag FlyGuy there soon, although it looks a bit she-she.

    And no, you’re not a fraud. Just content and that is great.

  3. “Knowing that I might try again would really keep me “in the game” if you will.” Oh my gosh. I feel exactly the same way, and that’s why I had my tubes tied during the c-section. I was DONE with it all. And I couldn’t be happier.


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