This Ass


Who goes to an author’s reading of her very first book and calls said author an ass?

This ass, that’s who.

Of course it was a joke and of course it was in context, but that didn’t stop the three ice queens sitting in front of me from whipping around staring down their noses at me.  Nor did it stop me from feeling like a total dipshit.  I mean, who does that?  Alexa was up there sharing her words and her life, keeping a brave face on despite her certainty that the earth beneath us was about to disconnect from the rest of the continent and despite the fact that audience members were hurling obscenities at her (Ok, that was just me.)

Sam and I had already made sure we stood out.  Being child-free CityGirls for the night and having a reunion two years after our first meeting, we just couldn’t wait for the reading to be over before having a drink, so we cajoled a bookstore employee into letting us bring a bottle of wine in.  Apparently she’d been jonesing for a patron to suggest it because her only condition was that we share a glass with her. We’d barely returned from the wine shop and snagged some seats before she leapt out at us from behind a bookshelf, and hissed, “Where’s MINE?”

So there we were, swilling screwtop SavBlanc and generally bringing the level of sophistication down, down, DOWN, and then.  Just when it was almost over and we’d nearly made it out without making complete fools of ourselves, I call the author an ass.

I just wish I could let a joke go unsaid one of these days.  I feel like it would show a lot of personal growth.  Also, it would keep me from insulting people all over the place.  Especially such accomplished people!  Alexa was there doing so many things I’ll never do.  Speaking coherently in front of a group, reading her book aloud, and rocking the shit out of some fuchsia peep-toe pumps.  And most impressive was her smooth reaction to this diminutive dude from the bookstore surreally introducing her by reading aloud the section of her book detailing her own surreal experience with another diminutive dude who just happened to be her RE.  I think when he got to the part describing Alexa’s “pubic area bathed in light” he realized maybe this was a strange passage to choose.  She was beyond gracious, but it was a very strange beginning to a great event.

Speaking of the book I’m only partway through, but so far it is exactly the long-term visit to Flotsamland that you all want it to be.  Hilarious, poignant, vocabulary-improving.  It’s the whole package.  Go buy it!


One Response to “This Ass”

  1. 1 sam

    OMG … even funnier than I thought it would be. What a great sum up of our night out on the city……..too much fun!!! I hope Alexa reads this!!!

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